Online therapy & EFT for neurodiverse individuals & couples in Sunnyvale, Silicon Valley & Beyond
Evidence-Based Online Therapy for Nerdy, Neurodiverse, and Mixed-Neurotype Couples
Your differences are part of what drew you to each other! You loved your partner’s carefree, spontaneous energy, or you felt grounded by your partner’s even-keeled predictability.
Your differences are part of what drew you to each other! You loved your partner’s carefree, spontaneous energy, or you felt grounded by your partner’s even-keeled predictability.
Are You Worlds Apart? Common Challenges in Mixed-Neurotype Relationships
Tiny, every day interactions have started to unravel into arguments. It’s not even about the topic that started the conversation anymore. Maybe it feels like you’re speaking two different languages or living in two different worlds.
Maybe one parter is thinking:
Are you even listening to me?
I have to get my point across in 10 seconds, or you lose interest.
I can’t rely on you to do the things you say you are going to do.
You’re in your own world.
You can focus for 10 hours on the things you’re interested in, but you can’t listen to me talk about my day for 5 minutes?
I carry such a tremendous mental load. I feel like I’m the parent in the relationship.
You know that replacing the bag in the trash can is part of taking out the trash, right?
I’m always the one initiating connection and trying to take care of the relationship.
How can I be interested in sex when I’m carrying so much of the responsibility in our household?
I worry that maybe I don’t really matter to you, I’m not interesting enough to you, or you don’t care.
I’m in a relationship, but I feel more alone than ever.
While the other Partner is asking:
Why are you so angry at me all the time?
I feel like you micro-manage me. Can’t I just do things my own way?
Yes, I messed up one thing, but you don’t see the 25 other things I do well.
Your expectations are so high. It’s a lot of pressure.
I freeze up because I’m worried about getting it wrong again.
I forget stuff sometimes. It’s not that big of a deal.
Oh, sorry, what were we talking about again?
It’s like you want me to read your mind.
There’s some invisible rule book somewhere, and I can’t seem to get it right for you.
How can I be interested in sex when it feels like you don’t even like me?
I worry that I’ll never be enough in your eyes, and that if you really knew me, you wouldn’t be able to accept me.
I feel judged and misunderstood by the person I love most.
So… what do we do with all of these Thoughts and questions?
The Importance of Affirming Therapy for ADHD, AuDHD, and Autistic Couples
Perhaps other couples therapists have made recommendations that have not worked for you, likely because they don’t fully understand the impact of neurodivergence. Working with neurodivergent or cross-neurotype relationships has some important differences that need to be addressed in order to be successful.
First, it’s important not to view neurodivergence, like ADHD and Autism, as a disease to be pathologized, but rather as another “neurotype” as part of the range of human diversity. Biological populations thrive when there is diversity, and having different types of brains in our world is a good thing.
There can certainly be different challenges that can come along with different kinds of brains, and we have developed terms and labels for these, so that we can understand and discuss them (such as “neurotypical,” “ADHD” “Autistic” “AuDHD” 2E, etc.). But at the end of the day, everyone has their strengths and challenges, and any environment can reinforce these in different ways.A well-meaning therapist who is not neurodivergent-informed and affirming may run the risk of just teaching a neurodivergent partner how to mask better in the relationship. They may teach surface-level communication skills or help simply problem-solve perpetual disagreements, which can temporarily give the appearance of success, but does not actually increase a true sense of connection or intimacy in the couple.
I’m a nerdy and neurodivergent therapist, offering a stim-friendly environment for online couples counseling!
At Redwood and Oak Couples Counseling, I offer a neurodivergent-friendly online therapy environment, where you can feel free to stim, move around, be blunt, let your eye contact wander, or info-dump about your special interests at the end of session!
How Neurodivergent-Affirming Couples Counseling Works
In couples therapy, we’ll acknowledge and explore the unique ways in which your brains are wired, including sensory experiences and the way you experience emotion, intimacy, closeness, and communication. We also need to identify times when one partner may interpret the other’s neurodivergent challenges as intentional and may react with hostility or shaming.
And, we don’t just let a neurodivergent partner say “Well, I have ADHD, so that’s just how I am.” In other words, our unique wiring is not an excuse to just not show up for our partner. This is a “both-and” process. It only works if both partners are ready and willing to jump in together to do the hard work to shift this dynamic individually and as a team.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps get to the root of your challenges and re-shape the dynamic of your relationship with increased understanding, compassion, and closeness.
This doesn’t mean you will agree all the time, but you can navigate the disagreement in a way where you both feel respected and connected. Let’s get you back to a place where you can feel passionate and excited about the uniqueness you and your partner both bring to the relationship!