Online therapy & EFT for neurodiverse individuals & couples in Sunnyvale, Silicon Valley & Beyond
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) for Neurodiverse and Mixed-Neurotype Relationships
I use Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, an evidence-based approach to therapy that has been rigorously studied and shown to be effective for most couples. Click on the link below to hear me explain more about EFT in a short video!
Hedgehogs, Turtles, and Armadillos: Understanding Your Attachment Style
EFT is based on the idea that every couple tends to get stuck in negative patterns. Often our moves in this pattern can fall into categories based on how our nervous system responds to stress. I like to use cute animals to illustrate these patterns - Hedgehogs, Turtles, or Armadillos.
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Hedgehogs tend to respond to stress with the urge to “fight for the relationship.” This is also called a Pursuer in the EFT literature. This can take the form of staunchly advocating for change, initiating connection, resolving an issue, or asking their partner to do things differently or better. This loving energy can backfire when a hedgehog’s passion for change can cause their spines to come out. Their passionate attempt to be heard and advocate for change can come across “sharply” as criticism, blame, and anger. Their partner may feel blamed and attacked and may feel hesitant to connect emotionally. This can contribute to escalating conflict and their partner feeling nervous they will be attacked if they become more vulnerable.
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Turtles tend to respond to stress by feeling the urge to freeze or flee, like a turtle pulling its head into its shell. This is also called a Withdrawer in the EFT literature. This is someone who may care so deeply about keeping the peace in the relationship, they respond by trying to avoid conflict. Sometimes a turtle may even “fawn” by just saying what their partner wants to hear, but then they struggle later to follow through because it was not their true feelings. However, turtles’ loving intentions can backfire in the negative pattern by coming across as minimizing or invalidating their partner’s emotions, and can contribute to issues never getting fully resolved, or their partner feeling alone in their emotional distress, and like they worry they will not be heard if they become more vulnerable.
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Armadillos are somewhat more rare, but so-named because armadillos have both sharp claws to fight and the ability to curl up into a ball to hide. Armadillos tend to experience a true mixture of urges at the same time. Part of us wants to run and hide, and part of us wants to turn and fight. We feel a confusing mixture of emotions all at once, and our partner may experience this as “mixed messages.” Like a combination of “get away from me /please I need a hug.” Armadilos aren’t trying to be confusing on purpose - they genuinely have a mixed response inside their nervous system. Often, they have lived through difficult situations that have not given their bodies clear options to seek safety in their environment. So armadillos also want to connect deeply and keep the peace, but their bodies haven’t learned a clear strategy, so they show a bit of a mixture.
How EFT Works in Neurodivergent-Affirming Couples Counseling
The first step of EFT is to map out what the negative pattern looks like for your specific relationship.
Do we have two turtles? Or a hedgehog and a turtle? Maybe even two armadillos? What are the specific recurring themes that keep you and your partner stuck?
During our first few sessions, I will get to know you and your partner, your shared history, your strengths, and your challenges. I’ll also meet with you both one-on-one early in the process, so I can learn about you individually.
EFT to Identify Patterns, Navigate Conflict, and Reconnect With Your Partner
Once we know what your pattern looks like, we can keep an eye out for it – in and out of session – helping you and your partner slow down and reconnect once it starts to derail you.
But we don’t just stop there. We try to find out what is driving the pattern. We tend to do things for a good reason, even if that reason might not make sense to our partner. We look at the different influences in each partner’s life that shaped them into a hedgehog, a turtle, or an armadillo.
What did we learn about conflict, connection, and emotional safety in our family growing up? How are our brains wired and how do we experience emotions? What has been reinforced by our careers or adversity we’ve experienced as an adult? From this exploratory process, we can get a lot of insight into what drives our partner do to things that are sometimes difficult for us. And we can grow some compassion for those challenges in ourselves and our partners.
Finally, we help you reshape your negative dynamic into something that feels more informed, less reactive, more welcoming of vulnerability, and more connected.
If we have a turtle in the relationship, we help that person to increase their comfort staying present in big emotions, and identifying and expressing their emotions, needs, and longings, with their head out of their shell.
If we have a hedgehog, we help that person to increase their comfort expressing their needs and longings in a softer way, with their claws retracted and their spines down.
If we have an armadillo, we help that person to sort through the confusing internal messages, express those experiences to their partner, and to take the same steps as the turtles and hedgehogs above.
Emotionally Focused Therapy can help you trust your love and connection with your partner enough to guide you back to each other when you start to get off track.
EFT is not just a cognitive exercise. It’s a bit more like physical therapy for your feelings. We practice certain kinds of communication in session to help increase your “muscle memory” for this more connected and vulnerable communication style. The more we do this in session, the more your nervous system learns how to do it outside of session. You might still get sucked into the negative pattern from time to time, but you learn how to recognize it faster and find your way out of it sooner.
